How I went from being in an 11 years of emotionally abusive relationship, to who I am now, and how you too, can change
This story, is not about finger pointing of who’s at fault, it’s not about blaming or criticising my past. It’s just me being in my vulnerability, in my loving state, taking 100% responsibility that led me to my outcome. It’s more about learning from my painful experience, and how you can change your outcome, or someone else you know, who might be in the similar situation as I was, 11 years ago.
I’m sharing my story, because I believe, someone somewhere out there, could be struggling emotionally, and I want to believe, that my story, could help change her destiny. It probably won’t change the world, but it could change one soul at a time. Just like the starfish story.
My younger self back then, wasn’t a very good person either. I was selfish, stubborn, immature and I was afraid. I was afraid to love due to my childhood past.
My ex, he has his own challenges too, his emotional baggage, his inner conflicts, and a very ‘interesting’ character of his own.
Together, we both makes a perfect disaster, because we didn’t know how to love, we didn’t know how to support or complement each other with our differences.
Day by day, years by years gone by in an emotionally abusive relationship and I shrunk. I shrunk smaller and smaller, I lost my identity, I lost my self love.
It was painful, depressing, lonely. It was very lonely. I felt so lost and hopeless, I didn’t know what I can do except feeling self-pity. I didn’t know where to get help, how to get help, or who can help me. I got caught into the vicious cycle of self-pity and it lasted for about 5 years.
One day I woke up, and I look into the mirror. This time, I paused, and I look into the mirror, and I didn’t recognise the woman in the mirror. I was shocked. I felt, she looked fat, she looked ugly, and she looked old. I didn’t like what I was.
That day, I told myself, enough. I’m sick of feeling hopeless and tired, I’ve enough of self-pity and I’m going to change. I want to change and I’ll do whatever it takes to change. That day, I made a decision to change my life.
That, was the beginning of my personal development journey. I began revamping my body and my appearances. I started taking personal development courses, trainings, workshops, coaching to grow myself. From Asia Works to Adam Khoo, to Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Darren Hardy, Joel Osteen, Jack Canfield, Brian Tracy….these people became my lifelong teachers.
I fed my mind with knowledge and filled my head with wisdom. I spent a lot of money, I invested a lot of money and it turned out to be the best investment I ever made on myself.
As my mindset grew, I started opening up my heart to love and contribute to the people around me, I get coached and I coached, transforming others while I transform myself. It’s been an endless journey.
I found back my identity, reclaimed my power, and regained my self-love. Looking back, it’s been 6 years now.
Just two weeks ago, my 9 year old son was asked to pick one word to describe his mom. Guess what he chose? He chose the word POSITIVE. And he told me, Mommy Mommy, you are a POSITIVE, PRETTY Mom. My heart melted, to receive such comment from my beloved son, that was enough.
Over the years, I started getting different feedback from people whom I manage to love.
They told me,
“Rainy you are so loving”,
“Rainy you are so warm”,
“Rainy you are so high energy”,…
“…you are so vivacious”
and on and on…..these feedback, I could never imagine from a selfish, bitter woman I was to now….
I never asked for it, but I realised that I’ve turned my pain into loving others. I stopped asking for love. The love that I failed to receive from the one I love, I turned it into making others smile and loving themselves more, believing in themselves more. Because that was me, wanting to love myself more, to believe in myself more.
To my younger self
How I wish, I could turn back the time, to go back to 11 years ago, 15 years ago, and give my younger self, everything that I know now, all the knowledge, the strategies, the tools that I’ve gained to get unstuck and grow myself, so I could change my outcome, my destiny, so I don’t have to have a broken marriage, so that my beloved child, don’t have to grow up being labeled as a broken family child.
But I can’t do that can I?
Being in an emotionally abusive relationship, I can call my experience as my ‘sufferings’, or ‘pain’ or I can call it as my life lessons.
Because of these experiences, I’ve grown my emotional intelligence.
I found my authentic self, the powerful, passionate, loving Rainy.
I’ve grown stronger.
I got back my self-love.
By the way, you know who is the best person to give you love?
Not your husband…..not your mom…..not your sister…..not your friends…..not your mentor not your coach…
The best person to give you love……is YOU.
Self-love. And most people have forgotten that.
Last night, after a great heart to heart talk with my girlfriend, I was about to get to sleep. But the funny thing is, I went to the toilet, and I cried, I cried, and I cried.
But this time, the tears, are not tears of SELF-PITY,
not tears of LONELINESS,
They are tears of Self-Acceptance,
Tears of Pride and Self-Love, that I’ve come so far for the last 6 years, I’m proud of reclaiming my power and regaining my true identity.
I’m grateful that I have evolved.
So what’s the best way to make my ‘life lessons’ be worthwhile if I can’t turn back the time?
I figured out, I want to help other women who are in the similar emotional struggle as I was 11 years ago, they are my younger self.
If you are my younger self, I want to help you,
- change your outcome, so you don’t have to go through 11 years of emotionally abusive relationship,
- so you don’t have to waste 11 years of your true love,
- 11 years of your youth,
- 11 years of your beauty,
- 11 years of your greatest potential.
- I want to help you get out from your temporary ‘lost’ and ‘stuck’, to empower you with the tools and strategies to take charge of your emotions, and to expand your capacity to grow by knowing yourself deeper, and get rid of all the ‘inappropriate’ programming and patterns that doesn’t serve you.
If you feel that you have enough of feeling hopeless, if you feel that you have enough of self-pity, and you have decided that NOW, is the time for you to change, then reach out to me. I’ll be around.
3 Proven Steps to Turn Your Greatest Pain Into Your Greatest Strength:
The fact that you’ve been reading so far only mean that you are committed to change.
Here, are the 3 practical, proven steps that can kickstart your change.
1. Change the meaning of your experience
I could think of my experience as bitter, painful, suffering experience and that means that people are nasty, unkind, cold. Or, I could think of it as a life lessons that taught me to be smarter and stronger, and that means, with this experience, it allows me to help other women who are going through the same emotionally abusive relationship and want to change.
2. Change your focus
Stop focusing on yourself. Start focusing out. If you want love, stop asking for love, start giving love. If you want joy, give joy. Because you can’t give what you don’t have. You can only give love, by feeling love. When you give love and joy, you feel love and joy, and you receive love and joy. Perhaps, not 100% of the people you love will love you back, just like in my case. But it doesn’t matter, because you can focus on the 99% others, right?
3. Change your people
Eleven years ago, I only have 1 positive person in my life. She was my good friend. But now, I have surrounded myself with so many, at least 2 times more than my 10 fingers, of positive, uplifting, nurturing, empowering people in my life. That, makes a huge difference in my growth. Like it or not, the people you surround yourself with, affects you greatly. Either they drag you down with their negative and small thinking mind, or they uplift you with their optimistic, abundance mind and leadership.
So if you have zero good influencer in your life, it’s ok. There is no better time than now. You can start searching and adding these people in your life now.
Whatever your situation is, do something. It’s better than do nothing.
Trust me, I know how it works.
In Authenticity & Courage,
Rainy the Rainmaker
P.S. Knowing what you know now, how can you engage a personal coach so you can achieve your goals faster and easier?
You can contact me at Rainy@growwithrainy.com for a 90 minutes complimentary Discovery session or find out more at https://growwithrainy.com/coaching-with-rainy/